Small Days v. Big Days

I like small days. Those days where you just have a set amount of practice or work that you want to put in, the stuff that incrementally advances you toward your physical goals. That is not to say that all small days go well, but if you fall short on the small day, then there is just the next small day right behind it to regroup and try harder. No small day is a complete failure as long as you show up and put the work in. And sometimes a small day unexpectedly turns out to be a great day (like doing my first strict muscle up on the rings a couple of days ago), where you nail a movement that alluded you or just perform in a way significantly better than before. So gratifying.

I am not fond of big days. Big days are when you are trying to perform physically at your peak, either in a competitive environment or as part of an exhibition. On these days, you may be performing in front of a crowd or just a single person who you are trying to impress, or (worse yet) both. I find both the build-up to a big day and the big day itself quite unappealing. I tend to under-perform on big days, like the big disappointment of my first and only Kung Fu tournament. As a result, I tend to avoid competitions and performances, preferring the peace and anonymity of solitary practice.

What I find odd is that in my academic and professional careers, I have generally enjoyed success on the big days, such as acing a test or nailing the closing argument in a hearing. Sometimes the anxiety in the build-up to these big events was very unpleasant, but I usually walked away feeling that I had performed at my best. Also, I acted and sang in high-school (not particularly well, but that is not the point), and have done a lot of public speaking as part of my profession. In those contexts, putting myself out there in front of a crowd has not proved problematic. But, in acting and lawyering, it is not really me out there, instead it is a character or persona performing. How different in Kung Fu, Crossfit, or aerials, where it is just the real me out there succeeding or failing for all to see.

In the end, I know that my aversion to big days is just cowardice, which gnaws at me because I also know that I am not a coward.